I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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