I just made out with a guy for $7.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
