I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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