So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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