Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
