umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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