Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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