You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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