Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
