Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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