mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
