mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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