6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
