I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
