mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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