i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
