is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
