That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
