Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
