Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
