things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
