My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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