Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
