i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
