I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
