did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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