I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
