I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
