Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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