Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She bit a glass in half.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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