Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
