Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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