RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
