The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
