You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
