it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
