I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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