True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
