I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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