dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
