dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
