dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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