when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
