Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
