peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
