mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
