I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
