hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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