Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
