I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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