Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
