gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
