If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
