So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
