don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
