My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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