I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
