Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
