she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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